years go by

i can be too hard on my friends.
i can be too negative, way too negative.

d's having a porno party tonight...go as your favorite porn star/character. i'm going as a regular ol' ho short skirt high boots makeup a long wig. the works.
it's gonna be interesting at least. i wonder if people will recognize me considering i'm usually walking around in ripped shorts and paint stained t shirts with my hair all stuck out.

i feel vulnerable in skirts. however, i also can feel really sexy. i'm going to try to feel sexy tonight.

r looks like a leather fag in her outfit...it's hilarious. she's stomping around complaining how the only porno stars that wear leather are gay men. i told her no no there are straight guys too....i wasn't very convincing. hehehe poor baby. she looks adorable though leather boy or not.

we fought again last night and worked it out this afternoon. there's a difference in the way we've been relating lately...the way we've been resolving things. she's really trying. i'm trying to try. cigs are still be smoked but less often.

Tonight we're gonna smoke a pack though, everyone at this party will be smoking and SmOkInG. my KIND of place tehe.

how is it possible that i still smoke? the patch, now the gum. none of it works. i feel weak and addicted.

i blew up at my R last night. feeling insecure feeling vulnerable so i blame her and expect her to make ME feel better. this is not her job. i can't seem to get a handle on my emotions. it used to be that i controlled them...to the point that i almost felt nothing, almost. now my emotions control me, valid or not, ridiculous or not, hurtful to R or not. everyday i think about my past. everyday i'm hurting over things that happened years ago and i'm tired. i'm trying to find a therapist...again. i've gone through about 4 in about as many years. i've been to groups for adult survivors. each time i divulge a little more, each time i'm just a little more open about where i've been, every time i quit before i get too deep. i feel the need to go back to tell a little more to try and understand a little more. but i want answers no one can give me. i think maybe this time if i seek out a therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse she/ he will be able to help me. i've been thinking about hypnosis why can't i remember. i want to remember i want to KNOW but memories of my childhood are foggy and most of what i do remember is confusing and gross and surreal and the dreams/nightmares what are they? real? it's strange this new attitude of mine. i spent years trying to forget my past, years ignoring important parts of me, years pretending. now i want everything out. i need it out of me i need to tell someone who knows what to do with it cause i don't fucking know anymore.

so i've been thinking about this live journal which is why i haven't written. it's weird.

i'm not sick sick anymore but i still have a cough. although very possibly it's from the mad amounts of cigs. i smoke a day.
i'm quitting (hopefully for the last time) on july 5. i hate that i smoke.
i have a piano!!!!! just last week i moved it from my mom's to my house. i quit playing when i was 10 or so, started young got burnt out. but i decided to pick it back up about a month age. i've been taking lessons and i had been practicing at my mother's house which was to say the least anxiety provoking now that it's in my space it's amazing and i'm falling in love with it. the feel of the keys. the sound the overwhelmingly beautiful feeling it gives me to play again. it draws me to it my hands are so sore playing hours and hours and hours but not realizing until r gets home from her nightly job. she is thankfully not bothered and actually enjoys my constant playing. which is amazing to me because sometimes i really don't want to hear her play her congas or her doumbek, the table whatever. i feel guilty about this. she is very talented. i feel unappreciative of music/her music sometimes as if something is wrong with me cause i can't deal with all the noise. i like the quiet. drums can be really disruptive to me especially during the week when all i want to do when i get home from work is relax. enough bitching. the piano rocks. drums rock.
haven't talked to d too much she's been irking me...not sure if it's from my issues or hers. she's talking to her ex again. this is intensely aggravating for me. sometimes i need a break from my friends but i don't want to take a break from d right now. she's really all the social contact i have in new orleans besides r and work it bugs me that she's so inexperienced and insecure sometimes.

the day before my week starts again and i'm still sick from last week. blowing and coughing up all this crap in my body i wish i was getting all the shit out of my brain too. can't stop thinking. about mom about dad, father's day is tomorrow. it seems that for those of us with *distant* relationships with their dads can't forget about father's day...maybe that's just me. father's day father's day father's day. fuck it.
it's too hot outside and it's making me crazy. "they" say heat as in the temperature ie summer in new orleans increases aggression in people. lately i've just felt depressed. D made a silly sarcastic joke to me and i almost cried. R just doesn't know what do to. R is my love my best friend my roomie the other mom to my cats. Sometimes R is clueless. i love her just the same. but it's damn hot and the ac's on full and i'm in my underwear in front of the computer sniffle-ing with a virus i should have gotten in january when i was off anyway because now i work full time and there is no replacement for me and i feel responsible and i have to wake up 2 hours before the sun does and i'm pissed at the injustice of the world and my life and yours because it sucks that we live this way. that i live this way and i'm sick and it's harder to see the other side when i'm too tired to shower or smile at my friends.